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Everyone wants their relationship to succeed — even those who may have been unlucky in that department might still harbor hope that things could change. As a psychologist who has worked with couples for over a decade, one of the most frequent questions I’m asked is if getting back with an ex is ever a good idea.
Short of having a crystal ball, my answer always follows the same formula: specific behavior change + a new plan for addressing the original problem + two people who feel secure on their own = a successful reunion.
Time, alone, isn’t a reliable variable in this equation, and way too many people mistake it for one. Rather, most of the time, that distance only makes people forget the lessons they learned the first time around.
Here are five signs that reuniting with your ex could actually work, and how to tell the difference between real growth and wishful thinking.
1. You can name what actually changed
“We’ve both grown” is one of the most common empty platitudes I hear from these couples. That phrase usually has as much meaning as “it is what is it” or “it’ll all work out.”
You need to be able to answer the question: What specifically is different now?
For example, “I used to withdraw and give the silent treatment during arguments, and now I stay present and we work through it together.” Hope and excitement can only get you so far. Tangible growth comes from insight and real accountability.
2. You’re not running from a fear of being alone
Pay close attention to what precedes your desire to reunite. Did you just have a bad break up? Did your best friend get engaged? Did you lose your job or experience some other destabilizing life event?
Then you may be operating within an escapist fantasy, hoping to be rescued by the stability you once felt with your ex, but not particularly wanting them.
Don’t let pain, scarcity, or fear of the unknown motivate you here. Being afraid of being alone is one of the worst reasons to get back with an ex. Choose them because you actually want them.
3. You have a plan for the issue that led to the break up
Your relationship ended for valid reasons. Trust yourself and remember those reasons don’t just disappear because you missed your ex.
In particular, issues around trust, money, approaches to conflict resolution and differing values and goals will soon resurface unless you actively create a new plan to move past them together.
For example: “Last time this happened, we did X, this time we can do Y.” Reuniting without a plan is just volunteering to take another ride on the same merry-go-round.
4. You’re willing to let go of the old version of the relationship
By the time couples hit a point where breaking up feels like the only option, it’s likely that they were long stuck in strained dynamics that brought out the worst in each other.
It’s easy to fall back into that cycle. Before getting back together, I tell my clients to articulate those old patterns. Then agree to let them go and work together to consciously create new ones.
For example: “I used to bring up every grievance I had until you completely shut down. Going forward I’ll stick to the issue at hand and give you space to respond and process it.”
5. You feel steady and secure on your own
This is the sign people overlook and it’s the most important. If you feel secure, are functioning well, sleeping peacefully, have a flourishing life and still want them back, you’re likely operating on sound logic.
You should be deliberately and purposely choosing them from an already abundant life, not an empty one. Wanting them from the security of sturdy ground is very different from needing them to be your life raft while you’re floundering in the ocean.
To truly determine if a new trajectory is possible, look for concrete evidence of change instead of relying on optimism or intention. But if the same vicious cycles are being handled the same way, then you have your answer.
The power is in both your hands to break the pattern and create a new and successful path forward together.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, and writer specializing in relationships, high-achievement, and anxiety, with a private practice in New York City. Her research has been published in the Journal of Psychiatry Research and presented at the Harvard Medical School Mysell Psychiatry Research Symposium. She has been featured in The New York Times, Forbes, Women’s Health, USA Today, and on CBS and ABC. Follow her on Instagram @DrSabrinaRomanoff.
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