Skip NavigationRidofranz | Istock | Getty Images
How do you know if your child is showing healthy emotional development?
As a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience and the author of “How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child,” I know it’s when they are getting better at dealing with their feelings, other people and the outside world.
An emotionally mature child will grow up to be a psychologically well-equipped adult who can handle the stresses of life on their own. They turn into adaptable, reasonable people who can solve problems, sustain satisfying long-term relationships and engage in meaningful work. Your patience, attention and affection now provide the essential support for a lifetime of resilience.
Here are eight signs your child is emotionally mature (or maturing) — and how you can encourage and foster their emotional development and resilience.
1. They show vitality and involvement
They’re enthusiastic about their interests, their play is immersive and creative and they seek out positive experiences. This motivated energy can be exhausting for you as a parent, but it will sustain your kids’ momentum in adult life.
What you can do: You feed children’s vitality when you listen to their ideas — regardless of whether you later give permission. So show them that they can share their ideas with you, and that you won’t rain on their parade.
2. They increasingly show self-awareness and empathy
As children mature, they develop a sense of self based on an awareness of inner experiences. This growing self-awareness soon translates into empathy for others and respecting others’ points of view.
What you can do: It’s simple. Children learn to be interested in other people’s feelings when you’re interested in theirs.
3. They stand up for themselves but can be reasonable
A successfully maturing child isn’t afraid to stand up for themselves or tell you what they think. At the same time, if you offer some choice and explanation, they can collaborate and cooperate.
What you can do: You teach your child to be their own person by honoring their right to speak up, even if you have no intention of changing your mind. You support their self-advocacy, but you also show them how to work things out respectfully when there’s a disagreement.
4. They enjoy closeness and aren’t afraid to be emotionally vulnerable
Your emotionally maturing child feels safe showing you their vulnerable side. They see you as a person they can share their deeper feelings with. As long as you respect their autonomy and privacy, even teenagers will turn to you for affection and comfort.
What you can do: You show your child how to enjoy emotional closeness in relationships when you take their feelings seriously and don’t minimize or invalidate their experiences.
5. They’re getting better at expressing and controlling their feelings
As they mature, kids are better able to handle difficult feelings without falling apart or blaming others. Their tolerance for stress improves, and they gradually build a capacity for some patience.
They know why they’re upset and at whom but usually refrain from being mean or rude toward others. They own their feelings but are also learning that others will be affected by what they say and how they say it. They learn to object without attacking.
What you can do: When you give kids confidence that you’ll listen to their side of the story and understand their feelings, you minimize any need for them to act out or become passive aggressive.
6. They pursue their own interests
As a child becomes more of an individual, they follow their curiosity and like to learn and set goals for themselves. They might enjoy playing, making things, collecting things and planning projects.
What you can do: If your child is thinking up ideas and coming to you with their grand schemes, you’re probably doing a good job of mentoring their creativity and self-confidence.
7. They’re adequately independent for their age
And they experiment with their own ideas for solving problems. They aren’t afraid to make mistakes in the process.
What you can do: Even if they sometimes demand too much independence — which means you need to set limits — give yourself kudos for making them feel confident enough to go out in the world and take on challenges.
8. Their minds are becoming more subtle, flexible and complex
Emotionally maturing children begin to grasp some of life’s complexities. They start noticing cause and effect. They think about possible ramifications and anticipate extenuating circumstances. Life is no longer so black and white. Their increasingly nuanced thinking gives them the intuitive ability to change and adapt as needed.
What you can do: Share your own thought processes with your kids, and encourage them to imagine different possible outcomes. By making it fun to think about things from different angles, you teach them to have a flexible, complex mind.
Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of psychotherapy experience as well as a speaker and The New York Times bestselling author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” Her latest book is “How to Raise an Emotionally Mature Child.” She’s been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Guardian, and has appeared on “The Oprah Podcast,” “The Mel Robbins Podcast” and “10% Happier with Dan Harris.”
