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“Flattery will get you everywhere,” the saying goes. It’s a common strategy for many people when important stakes are on the line, like a company-saving deal or career-making promotion.
But how far should you go to ingratiate yourself with someone else in a high-stakes situation? The answer depends on the nature of your relationships and the flattery in question, says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer on strategic communication and host of the “Think Fast, Talk Smart” podcast.
You can see flattery attempts — or, put differently, overt signs of respect — in plenty of places. For instance, U.S. President Donald Trump’s rare gesture of a tarmac greeting for Chinese leader Xi Jinping on Wednesday could be interpreted as a sign of the White House’s desire for productive results from a critical and potentially contentious diplomatic visit.
Buttering the other person up typically works best when it comes across as genuine, Abrahams says. Research has shown that sincere praise can sometimes have social rewards. A well-placed, genuine compliment on a job well done, for instance, will probably ring more true to the recipient than pretending to laugh heartily at a fairly anodyne joke.
You can also flatter someone more subtly, without gushing over them in ways that feel inauthentic or off-putting. Simply nodding when the other person is talking can show that you’re actively listening to them, Abrahams says, which can help make the other person feel heard while fostering trust and personal connection.
But you can’t always completely control how your words and actions get perceived by other people. Someone you just met, or have little pre-existing rapport with, is unlikely to be swayed by effusive compliments or surprise fanfare, especially if you’re simultaneously seeking something in return, says Abrahams. A “high status” person may interpret praise or expressions of respect from a “low status” person as manipulative, and going too over-the-top with flattery in a negotiation can backfire by making you seem “desperate [or] just not that savvy,” he adds.
Even effective flattery or ingratiation may have limits, especially when the stakes are highest. “Strongly held beliefs and convictions are often not modified through flattery,” Abrahams says. In other words, that extra bit of praise or generosity is unlikely to convince someone to do something they are dead-set against.
If someone is open to changing their mind, though, a little sincere flattery could make them even more agreeable and help lay the groundwork for a compromise.
“It’s not about manipulation,” says Abrahams. “It’s trying to set the best environment for the communication outcome that you wish to get.”
Subtlety and honesty can go a long way
There are plenty of ways you can achieve the desired effect of flattery and fanfare while minimizing the risk of blowback, notes Abrahams, who advises prioritizing subtlety and what he calls “pre-work.”
If you’re known as a generally complimentary and generous person, kicking off a high-stakes meeting by telling the other person they look amazing and presenting them with their preferred style of coffee has a better chance of seeming organic and genuine. If those fawning actions are out of the ordinary, either for you or within that particular relationship, you’re more likely to come off as a manipulative suck-up, even if you were well-intentioned.
“You have to do it in a way that’s authentic to who you are and conforms to the expectations of the situation and environment,” Abrahams says.
His pre-work recommendation involves laying groundwork for a positive, beneficial conversation in advance. You could book the office’s nicest conference room or, especially if the meeting is around lunchtime, announce that you’re grabbing a snack and a coffee beforehand and ask if the other person would like anything.
“That’s a normal, authentic [gesture],” says Abrahams. “It’s not surprising, but I’m being a little thoughtful and strategic about doing these things prior to the meeting to set a positive frame.”
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