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Everything feels more expensive these days. So it’s little wonder why you might find you need to decline an engagement. Though, oftentimes financial expense isn’t even part of the equation.
In my work as a financial therapist, I’ve found that for many of my clients, the hardest part of saying no to a social event often isn’t figuring out whether they can pay for it, but managing the feelings that come with turning the invite down.
In an effort to avoid disappointing loved ones or being seen as unsupportive, they might have an impulse to overexplain their finances, second guess responsible decisions or spend money that they don’t have. That pressure can compel them to say yes, even if the financial, emotional, or mental cost is more than they can afford.
If you do feel some residual guilt or awkwardness, though, it’s possible to gracefully navigate declining an invitation without allowing it to drive your choices. Here are five scripts you can use to put your decision into words, while maintaining your friend group and your bank account.
1. ‘Thank you for the invite! Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend this time.’
Not every decline needs an explanation. A simple response is enough, especially when you don’t want to share personal or financial details. You don’t have to prove your reason is valid or convince someone else to agree with your decision.
If you start to waver, remind yourself why you declined in the first place, and consider what saying yes might have cost you. Maybe it would have meant dipping into savings, spending more than you wanted to, or putting yourself in an overwhelming situation simply because you felt pressured to go.
2. ‘I’m so happy for you! I would love to be there to support you in person, but I have to sit this one out for personal reasons. I’m sending you something special.’
This response can be helpful when you have to RSVP no to a milestone you genuinely wish you could attend.
They can be especially hard to miss because attendance is often seen as a way to show support. If you’re declining an important celebration for someone close to you, you likely didn’t make that decision lightly.
A card, gift, phone call, or another thoughtful gesture can still communicate your love and support while allowing you to honor your own circumstances.
Particularly in instances like these, replace negative self-talk with self-compassion. Notice how you talk to yourself after saying no. Instead of criticizing or doubting yourself, remind yourself that you made a decision based on your needs, priorities, and capacity at this time. And that you would give the same grace to someone else in your position.
3. ‘That sounds so fun! But the overall cost is more than I want to take on right now, so I can’t make it this time. Please let me buy you a drink while you’re there.’
This can be useful when you can technically afford the invitation, but the total cost doesn’t align with how you want to use your money right now.
Having enough money to pay for something doesn’t automatically mean you want to spend it that way. The money may have another purpose, or the total cost may be more than you want to take on.
A thoughtful smaller gesture, like asking for their Zelle or Venmo to cover a round of drinks or sending a special themed token or message allows you to join the celebration without jeopardizing your financial priorities.
4. ‘I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now, but I really appreciate the invite. Can we put a date on the calendar to hang out next month?’
Affordability isn’t limited to money. Sometimes there isn’t enough time, mental, emotional, or physical capacity to take on another commitment, and that’s okay, too. It’s important to consider your needs and give yourself permission to prioritize them.
Offering another date reinforces that you’re declining the event, not the relationship. And if you offer another date, be sure to put it on the calendar so it actually happens. You can still show your love and stay connected in a way that works for you.
5. ‘I appreciate you wanting me there, but I’ve made the best decision for me right now. I’m going to pass this time. I really appreciate your understanding.’
Sometimes saying no once isn’t enough. If someone continues to push, you don’t want to provide more details, because they could try to use them to attempt to negotiate with you.
Instead, keep your tone calm and firm. Without becoming defensive or overly apologetic, respectfully reinforce that your decision has already been made.
If you are on the receiving end of a guilt trip, the best thing you can do is focus on the facts. Separate what actually happened from the story you’re telling yourself.
That narrative may be, “They’re going to think I don’t care” or “I’m being a bad friend,” while the fact is simply, “I declined an invitation that wasn’t aligned with my life right now.”
Ultimately, we can still care about one another while still respecting our own boundaries — and extend that same understanding to others when the tables are turned.
Jasmine Johnson is a certified financial therapist, accredited financial counselor, and in-demand speaker who helps people transform their relationship with money and rebuild financial confidence. She blends behavioral psychology with practical strategy to guide individuals, couples, and groups through budgeting, debt, financial anxiety, and real life money decisions. Jasmine is a bi-weekly financial expert on BakersfieldNOW News, and the founder of Happi Money.
