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Credit card debt can be stressful, apparently even if you’re not the one carrying a balance.
“Anytime i find out a friend has serious credit card debt it makes me so stressed out,” X user Alex Lei posted on July 5. It’s since garnered 32,000 likes.
Lei is a 30-year-old bartender and freelance writer in Baltimore. He says he tries to avoid credit card debt, but sees a lot of his peers in the service industry carrying credit card balances or other forms of debt.
“When I find out that friends are a little bit more freewheeling with [credit card debt], that’s what stresses me out,” he says. “My parents instilled in me that a credit card, you should use it like a debit card and not spend more than you have.”
Many users on X shared Lei’s stress, replying with anecdotes about friends and colleagues with five figures of credit card debt who continue to dine out, book vacations and shop for discretionary items. This kind of “vicarious anxiety” is common, says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist and founder of Mind Money Balance.
“Anytime somebody else’s actions or behaviors stress us out, most likely the reason why is because we would do things differently,” she says. “But the biggest thing to understand about humans and relationships is that we can’t expect other people to be us or behave like us.”
Why debt can be so anxiety-inducing
The fear of looming debt isn’t totally irrational.
Unaddressed debt can have far-reaching negative impacts. In the short-term, having too many debt payments can make it difficult to keep up with your living costs and save money for emergencies or retirement. And if you get to a point where you can’t make your debt payments, your problems can compound.
For example, if you neglect a credit card or other debt balance for too long, it could tank your credit score and thereby make it difficult for you to take out a mortgage or get approved for a lease.
It can be stressful watching someone in your life seem to ignore those consequences because it triggers your own beliefs and anxiety around money, Bryan-Podvin says.
“A lot of people associate debt with being irresponsible or being in danger or doing something wrong,” she says. “And when we see that from somebody else, we are making this assumption that they should also be feeling danger or bad or behind or failure. So, why aren’t they?”
Bryan-Podvin suggests a few reasons why some people don’t stress about debt the way others do:
- Avoidance. Simply ignoring their bills or refusing to make a concrete plan of action is a common coping mechanism for folks dealing with financial turmoil that provides “immediate relief,” but doesn’t solve the root problem.
- Normalization: In American society, debt is so common that, for many people it feels like a regular part of life. For some folks, that means it doesn’t need to be addressed with any urgency.
- Financial nihilism: Even if you start chipping away at your debt, this line of thinking goes, you won’t be able to ever fully pay it off — so why stress about it?
In general, financial stress — like stress triggered by any other factor like work, relationships or geopolitical events — isn’t great for you. Chronic and long-term stress can have negative impacts on your physical health including headaches, muscle pains, gastrointestinal issues and more, according to Mayo Clinic.
That being said, carrying a credit card balance without a plan to pay it off is generally ill-advised, even if you don’t feel stressed about it.
“Stress and anxiety are important and normal in time-limited short doses,” says Bryan-Podvin. If those feelings spur you into action like making a plan to pay off the debt, then they can be useful.
However, those feelings won’t inspire everyone to take action. And adding more stress to the situation won’t change that, and could make the problem worse if it turns into more chronic, long-term anxiety, she says.
How to deal with secondhand financial anxiety
Everyone is on their own money journey, and if you find yourself worried about someone else’s debt or financial situation, it’s a good idea to do some soul-searching. Ask yourself why the idea of debt makes you anxious. If it’s because you equate debt with irresponsibility or some other negative character trait, work toward re-writing that narrative, Bryan-Podvin says.
To that end, it may help to remind yourself that debt can be the result of things beyond the debtor’s control, like a job loss, high living costs or a medical emergency. In fact, more than half (56%) of Americans say they’ve run up credit card debt for essentials like gas, groceries and childcare, a U.S. News and World Report survey found in June.
In other words, your friend may just be making ends meet. And even if you think they’re being financially irresponsible, you should first make sure they actually want your help before stepping in.
“To put your own anxieties or insecurities on your friend probably won’t do anything, and if anything, more likely would push them away,” Bryan-Podvin says.
However, if your friend gets into a high-risk situation like a possible eviction or similar, it’s a good idea to express your concern and ask what their plan is. Especially if your friend is expressing their own anxiety and asking for help, show up for them and offer emotional support.
But, “If you’re just judging them for having an amount of debt that you personally wouldn’t carry, sitting down at brunch and being like, ‘I just heard about this great method called the snowball method,’ probably isn’t going to do much,” she says.
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