Skip NavigationTi-ja | E+ | Getty Images
“If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” That’s one of the most common lies I hear parents in my psychotherapy practice tell their kids. Most of the time, though, these parents don’t even realize they’re relaying a false message.
There’s nothing wrong with expressing encouragement and support. But telling your kid they can accomplish anything conveys that every aspiration is within their reach. It also suggests that hard work is all it takes to achieve goals that few people do, such as becoming a pop star or getting into an Ivy League college.
As a psychologist who’s spent over 20 years working with parents, I’ve seen this advice backfire. Focusing too much on outcomes can reinforce “external motivation,” where a child’s drive to work hard or try something new comes from external rewards — such as praise, good grades, or trophies — that aren’t always within their control.
It’s better to be realistic. Here are five things you can say instead.
1. ‘Try new things, even if it feels scary’
Remind kids that new challenges like riding a bike, performing in a play, or applying for college can feel scary. Naming the fear ahead of time helps normalize it. You might say: “I know this is scary, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.”
When parents validate feelings, kids experience something psychologists call “attunement.” Kids who know their parents understand what they’re going through feel seen. And this kind of emotional attunement fosters resilience and helps kids feel more confident and motivated when they approach challenges of any kind.
2. ‘Sometimes, it takes time for hard work to pay off’
In the age of social media, it’s easy for kids to witness another person’s win, and believe that accomplishment should happen overnight. But in most cases, hard work is an investment that yields rewards over time rather than paying an immediate dividend.
Encouraging kids to cultivate a “growth mindset,” the belief that hard work and dedication can strengthen their abilities, can motivate them to stick with something even when it doesn’t come easily. Because they may not be able to accomplish anything, but they can get better at most things they try.
3. ‘Disappointment is a learning opportunity’
Many kids emulate their heroes. This is what inspires them to reach for lofty goals like becoming a famous musician or athlete. However, a child’s fantasy doesn’t always sync up with reality. Even older kids don’t always realize how unlikely it is to become the next Olivia Rodrigo, with all the talent and luck such a feat requires.
Adages like “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything” make a false promise — one that can cause kids to feel let down when some of their dreams inevitably fall flat.
Instead, encourage your child to try new things and do their best. Reassure them that it’s normal to feel disappointed in the face of setbacks, and that they can choose to view disappointment as an opportunity to learn and an invitation to try again.
Share some examples from your own life, like a time you got passed over for a promotion, or a time you didn’t get an A even though you studied really hard. Kids often forget that we once stood in their shoes. By sharing your story, you’re showing that you’re human too, which can help kids feel less alone.
4. ‘If you put your mind to it, you can keep going’
Having tenacity doesn’t guarantee that your kid will get a trophy or be the best, but win or lose, it offers many psychological benefits. A tenacious mindset helps fuel motivation and serves as the bedrock for self-discipline, optimism, empathy, and self-compassion.
These qualities protect a child’s mental health as they inch toward adolescence and adulthood and support the development of “intrinsic motivation,” which is a child’s ability to enjoy an activity for the sake of doing it, regardless of the outcome.
5. ‘You won’t be good at everything, and that’s OK’
Contrary to popular belief, the most supportive parents tell their kids they won’t be good at everything.
Kids who know the truth can set more realistic goals in life, which ultimately makes them feel more confident and capable. They’re also less likely to develop outsized expectations of themselves and others.
As a psychologist, I’ve had many clients look back and realize it’s one of the best lessons their parents ever taught them.
Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, How to Raise Financially Smart Kids. Learn how to build healthy financial habits today to set your children up for greater success in the future.
About The Author
