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We’ve all had moments like these, as both parents and kids: “What did you get up to today?” “Nothing.” “How was school today?” “Fine.”
Of course, you care about your kid and want to know what’s really going on with them. But the problem with questions like these is that they can create an unintentional conversational burden for your child.
After a long day, the last thing they want is another thing to think through. They also might worry that if they answer with anything other than “I’m fine,” they’ll get a wave of concern from us. That’s why many kids dislike these questions or default to “fine” — even if they aren’t.
As a behavioral researcher with over a decade of experience studying human conversation and connectedness, I’ve found that the questions that can give you the clearest sense of your child’s emotional state sound like they’re about something else on the surface. But the answers tell you a lot about what’s going on underneath.
They also have no one “good” or “right” answer that your kid feels like they have to defend. In practice, they should feel like a low-stakes game. You can use these lighter-hearted queries as a ladder to get to heavier topics. Of course, make sure you talk to your child’s physician if you have any major concerns about their well-being.
Start with these five questions to help you get the answers you’re searching for — and build stronger ties with your kid.
1. ‘What’s something you’re weirdly good at that never comes up?’
This is a great prompt for kids who typically refuse to answer questions. Most of the feedback kids get comes from adults. This question is special because it gives children the chance to compliment themselves, and establish a sense of agency, positivity and pride.
If they name a concrete skill, encourage it. You can also ask a follow-up question like, “How did you figure that out?” or “Can you teach me?” But if they say something along the lines of “Nothing, I guess,” they might not give themselves enough credit or feel safe bragging to you. If they draw a blank, name one skill you’ve noticed in them.
2. ‘Which TV, movie or book character is most like you, and why?’
A kid will tell you about themselves through a character. Be sure to ask why they chose that character. Their explanation is more important than your interpretation.
The words they use matter. If they say “funny,” “brave” or “loyal,” that tells you what they’re proud of. Phrases like “nobody sees him” or “she’s always left out” might reveal how they feel they’re being treated right now.
If they tell you a specific hero or lead, they likely see themselves as the driver of their own story. If they’re a sidekick, they might feel a need to downplay their own importance. If they say a villain, don’t be alarmed. Plenty of villains are characters who are often misunderstood and your kid might be telling you they feel the same way.
3. ‘If your life, or day, had a title like a movie, what would it be?’
This question replaces the more easily dodged “Are you okay?” Kids also tend to love this question because it’s more of a game than an obvious probe into their mood — even though it is something of a disguised emotional check-in.
If they offer you a funny title, they are likely in a light-hearted mood. If they give you a bleak or flat title, make a note and then ask a follow-up later that day like, “Why was your movie title ‘The Longest Tuesday Ever?’”
With that information, you can open up the lines of communication to help them problem-solve and feel better.
4. ‘If you had a totally free day with nothing to do, what would you do without spending any money?’
If they answer “nothing” or “sleeping,” they might be uninspired or running on empty. Feel free to skip the pep talk and ask what’s been taking up their energy lately. Sometimes “sleeping” just means it’s been a really long week.
If they respond with something creative like painting, or social like hanging out with friends, that’s a good indication of what boosts their energy, rather than drains it.
When you know what fuels them, look for ways to consistently include it in their routine, like 20 minutes of play after homework or a Saturday craft night with a friend. Let them pick when it happens so they want to continue doing it.
5. ‘Who do you feel the most relaxed around? Who makes you feel the most stressed?’
There are many social interactions kids have that parents aren’t privy to, especially for school-age children. These questions are revealing because they show when kids’ guards go up and down, even when they don’t realize it. Your child might be surprised by their own response.
Try your best to not react to their answer. If you flinch at the person who stresses them out, your kid learns what it costs to tell you things. Give them the space to talk about why they feel this way.
Identifying the people and environments that drain them is a valuable skill for kids. They can’t always choose who is in their class or family, but they can choose where they devote their energy and who they want to spend their free time with. You can help model that as well.
Ask these questions in the car, at dinner or at bedtime. But make sure not to ask too many in a row, or it’ll turn into an interrogation. Take a turn answering them yourself. It demonstrates that you’re willing to be open about your feelings, too.
When you stay curious and ask the right questions, eventually your child might bring up the thing that happened before you even have to ask.
Vanessa Van Edwards is a speaker, researcher and the author of “Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone & Make Every Interaction Count,” “Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People″ and “Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.” She is the founder of Science of People, where she leads workshops and courses on science-based soft skills to help people become better communicators.
