Skip NavigationAlisa Stern | CNBC Make It; VioletaStoimenova | E+ | Getty Images
Saying no is nerve-racking regardless of the situation. Maybe your boss drops a project on your desk at 4:30 p.m. on a Friday afternoon. Or a colleague asks for a “quick favor” that will definitely be a months-long commitment. Or a family member nudges you to host for the holidays for the third year in a row.
You may worry that if you refuse, people will think you’re being “selfish,” “difficult” or “not a team player.” The truth is that setting boundaries too harshly or too often can make you seem rigid and uncooperative, which is why standard advice to “just say no” is woefully inadequate.
But agreeing to everything isn’t a good solution either. That’s how you end up burned out with no time left for important priorities.
As the author of “Managing Up” and an executive coach to top performers at Google, Amazon and other Fortune 50 companies, I’ve seen firsthand that, when done well, saying no can strengthen your credibility and build trust. Those who tactfully hold their ground show good judgment and they often attract opportunities and have stronger relationships as a result.
So how do you set limits with warmth and respect? Here are three ways you can push back without looking difficult.
1. The trade-off
When someone makes a request, don’t immediately say, “No, I can’t do that.” Instead, respond with what will need to be adjusted to make it happen. Because time is finite, adding one thing means subtracting another.
While you’re tracking your commitments closely, others aren’t, and they might not realize they’re piling onto an already full plate. The trade-off approach can diplomatically highlight your existing load.
Plus, it makes the conversation feel like a collaborative problem-solving exercise. And letting the other person weigh in retains their sense of control, making it more likely they’ll come around to your suggestion.
This can sound like:
- “I hear X is important, so I’ll temporarily slow down on Y to make room for it. Does that sound good?”
- “To devote attention to this, what would you like me to push out until next week? I’d recommend punting Z.”
- “I’d love to host this year, but I’ll need to skip organizing the gift exchange to pull it off. Fair?”
2. The conditional yes
This technique is great for situations where both the urgency and potential costs of saying no are high.
Consider agreeing to the request this time, while making it clear this is an exception or one-time accommodation. That way you can earn goodwill for being helpful to someone during a time of need, without setting a precedent that you’ll cave to any last-minute ask.
Even better, propose an upstream fix, such as a clearer process, earlier checkpoint or policy change so the scramble is less likely to happen again.
This can sound like:
- “I can turn this around by tomorrow, but going forward, I’ll need at least 48 hours notice to do this well.”
- “I’ll jump in now to get this done since we’re almost finished. If more requests come up, though, we’ll need to revise the plan.”
- “I’m happy to chat briefly about X. I’ll write down the steps so you have them to reference longer-term and don’t have to be held up by me.”
3. The positive no
This approach, which was devised by William Ury, co-founder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation, has three parts:
- Affirm what you care about (“I’m committed to the team’s success”)
- State your limit (“I can’t take on the full project”)
- Propose another option (“Here’s what I can do to help”)
The positive no gives you the chance to offer a solution that works for you. It also focuses people’s attention on what’s possible versus what can’t be done or what they stand to lose.
This can sound like:
- “I know this is a busy time for the team. I have a hard stop at 6 p.m., but I can come in earlier on Monday to wrap this up.”
- “I get that it’s important we’re represented on this project. I can’t attend weekly meetings, but I could join biweekly and send written updates in between. Would that work?”
- “I’d love to celebrate with you. A weekend away isn’t doable for me right now, but I can absolutely make it to dinner.”
Melody Wilding, LMSW is an executive coach, human behavior professor and author of “Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge.” Get her free training, 5 Steps to Speak Like a Senior Leader, here.
