A mother’s awkward first period talk with her daughter: What she learnt from fumbling through it
Her first period talk with her daughter – unexpectedly in a supermarket aisle – was awkward and far less reassuring than she had imagined. But experts say open, ongoing conversations about puberty and menstruation matter more than getting them perfectly right.
Parents should normalise questions about menstruation to help girls see it as a natural part of growing up. (Photo: iStock/1shot Production)
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I was 12 years old when I got my first period – in school. Although I had a vague idea of what it was, nothing prepared me for it. I did not know what to do and was embarrassed by my stained skirt.
When I became a mother, I imagined the “period talk” as one calm, reassuring conversation where I would have all the right words. But motherhood has a way of humbling you, no matter how many parenting books you read or experts you interview.
That moment arrived at the supermarket, when one of my daughters – around six or seven years old then – asked why I was buying “diapers”. I was picking up sanitary pads.
I took that as a sign the conversation did not need to happen in a single scripted moment. So, I said, nonchalantly, that girls bleed every month when they grow up and need pads. In hindsight, this was probably not an ideal first introduction to menstruation. Certainly not in the middle of a supermarket aisle.
“What? Every month?! Why?!” she exclaimed, horrified. I awkwardly explained in simple terms how menstruation occurs. After fumbling over the correct anatomical terms (the gold-standard approach experts recommend), I eventually shushed her increasingly animated questions.
It was not the calm “period talk” I had envisioned. But that moment also taught me that it was less about explaining everything perfectly and more about getting over my own discomfort.
Dr Yeong Huiqing, resident physician at DTAP, pointed out that the awkwardness often comes more from the parent than the child. “Children often take cues from adults, so when we stay calm and open, they tend to feel comfortable too,” she said.
Rather than a one-off “big talk” about periods, Dr Yeong advised treating it like a normal conversation about another health topic.
“The goal is to normalise it, not dismiss it, helping her see it as a natural part of growing up,” she said.
“You do not need to go into too much detail at once, as that can feel overwhelming or confusing. Keep it simple and gradually layer in more information over time as they are ready.”
WHEN SHOULD PARENTS START THE PERIOD TALK?
Experts agreed that earlier conversations about menstruation are generally better. Do not wait till the first period, known as menarche, before broaching the topic.
“The average age of menarche is around 12 years of age, with breast development occurring approximately two years earlier,” said Dr Judith Ong, a consultant with the division of reproductive endocrinology and infertility at National University Hospital’s Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology.
That said, anything from ages nine to 15 is still considered “normal”, added Dr Yeong.
“A good time for parents to have a conversation about periods would be when they notice their daughter has started to, or is going through puberty (breast development, pubic or underarm hair growth, or a growth spurt),” said Dr Ong.
Dr Yeong said these conversations can even start between the ages of eight and 10, before puberty begins. Children at this age tend to be more curious, open, and less self-conscious, making it a good window, she explained.
“They are able to understand simple explanations and are more likely to ask questions. Early conversations also help to normalise menstruation, framing it as a normal part of life rather than something awkward or taboo, an attitude that may still exist in some cultural contexts,” she said.
Dr Yeong recently had such a conversation with her eight-year-old daughter after the curious child asked where babies came from.
“At her age, she is naturally curious and wants to understand how things work,” she said.
Dr Yeong kept her replies simple and age-appropriate and they watched an animated educational video on menstruation together. Avoiding going into detailed biology due to her daughter’s young age, she used simple words like “growing up”, “body changes” and “menses”.
“I explained that when girls grow up into women, their bodies change and one of those changes is having menses. I told her that menses are a sign that the body is growing and can one day carry a baby,” she said. “I focused more on helping her understand body changes in a positive and non-scary way.”
PERIOD ESSENTIALS FOR EVERY GIRL
Conversations about menstruation should be part of an ongoing dialogue about puberty in general, the experts said.
“Puberty can be a challenging time for girls as their body goes through many changes. They may not only physically start to look different before or after their peers, but also go through acne breakouts and mood swings,” said Dr Ong.
Educating girls on puberty helps them feel mentally prepared and comfortable clarifying concerns, she added. Parents should also pay attention to self-esteem issues, such as body image concerns or changes in social circles during this period, Dr Ong said.
Other practical essentials include purchasing bras or sanitary pads, and teaching them how to use them. “If not already available at home, parents can stock up on paracetamol in case she experiences pain with her first period. They can also discuss what a normal menstrual cycle is (regular monthly cycles with bearable pain), so that the child will know if her periods are abnormal,” said Dr Ong.
On my part, I educated my daughters – now 13 and 19 – on the various sanitary pads they can use. For example, longer pads for night-time use to prevent backflow and thicker ones for the first few days of heavier flow.
I also emphasised good hygiene, after hearing horror stories of former classmates developing infections after not changing their sanitary pads or tampons regularly.
PERIOD HYGIENE
The United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends these healthy habits when using menstrual products:
- Wash hands before and after using menstrual products and when using the restroom.
- Change sanitary pads every few hours, even if the flow is light. Change more frequently if the period is heavy.
- Change tampons every four to eight hours.
- Wrap soiled menstrual products with toilet paper or tissue, then throw it into a trash bin, not down the toilet.
- Clean menstrual cups daily after use. After the period is over, sanitise the menstrual cup by it rinsing thoroughly and placing in boiling water for 1 to 2 minutes.
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WHAT IF GIRLS FEEL EMBARRASSED?
If your daughter reacts with embarrassment or awkwardness when the topic comes up, chances are she may already have some information, along with possible misconceptions, said Dr Yeong.
“Many parents may feel the urge to jump in and immediately ‘correct’ what the child thinks, but it is not always necessary to push the conversation. The child may simply not be ready yet,” she said.
What helps instead is approaching the topic indirectly. For instance, shopping for sanitary pads together can be a natural starting point for conversation, Dr Yeong suggested.
As many young teens are now exposed to social media and online content, it is even more important for parents to keep open communication channels.
Said Dr Yeong: “Never dismiss your child’s questions or what she has seen online. Instead, acknowledge it calmly and openly. Teach her basic media literacy, that not everything found online is accurate or applicable to everyone.”
Dr Yeong also suggested offering reliable alternatives, such as speaking to a doctor who can provide reliable information about menstruation and puberty.
“The goal is not to control every piece of information, but to become a trusted guide and filter as she navigates it,” said Dr Yeong.
If you are, like me, confused by newer menstrual hype (think period underwear, reusable cloth pads, corn pads and menstrual cups), Dr Yeong advises approaching that unfamiliarity with openness rather than cynicism.
“It’s like learning something unfamiliar together, like roller skating, where you may not know how to do it yourself but you’re willing to explore it with your daughter,” she said.
I can’t say that I have mastered these conversations since that wobbly first “period talk” with my daughter in the supermarket aisle. Even now, the Asian mum in me still cringes while navigating questions about bodily functions and puberty.
I do not have all the answers, trip over words during difficult conversations and am still learning new things about being a mother. But as long as my daughters continue to come to me with questions, perhaps I am not doing such a bad job after all.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Source: CNA/pc
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