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We often feel most loved by our friends when they show up for us in times of need — and most betrayed by them when they don’t.
As a psychologist and expert in human connection, I know that the hard times are critical moments in a friendship. They can determine whether the relationship continues to thrive long after the moment of need has passed.
So we have to be prepared to show up for our friends in their darkest hours. But it can be daunting to figure out what “showing up” looks like and how to avoid making them feel worse.
Here are a few things you should never say — and what to say and do instead.
1. ‘Don’t cry’
It’s a common misconception that the emotions we don’t express go away. In fact, it’s the opposite. To get through hard times, people need to talk about how they feel.
When people experienced the death of a spouse, one study found, the less they talked about it, the less healthy they were in the year following the death. And when grieving people reported on the most helpful responses to their grief in another study, one person shared: “The one nurse who held me and let me cry, like she didn’t say, ‘Oh, now now, you shouldn’t cry.’ She just let me cry.”
To help a friend through their grief, invite them to share how they feel. If they start to cry, say, “I’m proud of you for letting it out.”
2. ‘You have to be strong’
The most supportive messages you can send to a friend who’s struggling involve validating their feelings and helping them explore the full range of their emotions. The least supportive messages deny the other person’s feelings, telling them how they should act and how they should feel.
Insisting your friend needs to be strong denies vulnerable feelings in the moment and suggests that they should continue to deny these feelings for the foreseeable future.
Instead, offer validation. You can say, “However you’re feeling is okay” or “Of course you feel that way.”
3. ‘Let me know if you need anything’
When you tell a friend to let you know if they need anything, they probably won’t. First, they won’t be sure if you genuinely mean it. But even if they know you do, this phrase puts the burden of identifying needs and the vulnerability of asking for support on the person who’s already going through a hard time.
Instead, ask your friend if you can offer specific forms of support: “Can I pick up your groceries? Do your laundry? Watch the kids?” Particularly in the earlier stages of grief, participants in one study reported that it was most helpful for people to help them with everyday tasks.
4. ‘Get over it’
If a friend is still struggling months after an event, you might tell them, “I think you should move on” or “I thought you’d be over that already.”
But there’s no appropriate timeline for feeling better. After a stressful event, one review of the research found, 11% of people remained in a chronic state of stress, and between 9 and 12% of people initially seemed okay and then got worse.
Just like you can’t tell a broken ankle to heal more quickly, you can’t tell depression or grief to go away faster. In fact, expecting emotions to resolve prematurely can backfire. People who judged their emotions in one study had the highest levels of anxiety and depression and the most unstable mood.
So don’t judge your friend’s emotions. Signal that the time it takes them to heal — however long that might be — is neutral information. They’re not a better person if it takes less time, and they’re not failing if it takes more time.
You might say: “It’s okay to feel bad as long as you need to and I’ll still be here.”
5. Ghosting
It can feel impossible to find the “right” thing to say to a friend who’s struggling, but the worst thing you can say is nothing at all.
Unfortunately, people going through hard times report that others start avoiding them, declining their calls, and sometimes literally walking the other way when they see them in public. This causes them to stop expressing their emotions for fear of abandonment, which makes them feel even more isolated.
When we’re feeling fine, we underestimate the power of checking in. But for someone going through a hard time, a simple check-in is monumental. It means they’re not bearing their pain alone — and social support predicts resilience.
Try sending a simple message that says: “I was just thinking of you and I was wondering how you were doing today.”
Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, and the bestselling author of “Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.” Her second book, “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” will be released on September 15. Her work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York Times, The Telegraph and Vice.
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