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Many people spend months — or even years — stuck in unhealthy relationships, trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, wondering if it’s all in their head, if they’re overreacting or if leaving is the right choice.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve found that there are clear signs a relationship is no longer healthy for one or both partners. But they’re often easy to miss when you’re the one living through them.
Here are seven red flags of an extremely unhealthy relationship — and how to tell if they might be affecting you.
1. Conflict ends with contempt
Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce, according to research. A partner might mock you, call you names or patronize you during disagreements. They might also roll their eyes, scoff at your concerns or use sarcasm to put you down.
Most relationships can survive conflict, but chronic disrespect is much harder to overcome. Once contempt becomes part of a couple’s dynamic, concerns stop being treated as legitimate issues and start being treated as evidence that something is wrong with the other person.
2. You demand, and they withdraw
Another troubling pattern is what researchers refer to as a “demand-withdraw cycle.” This occurs when one partner pushes for change, discussion or resolution (e.g., “We need to talk about this.”), while the other avoids, changes the subject, leaves the room or stonewalls altogether.
Although both partners contribute to the cycle, it often becomes self-reinforcing over time. The more one person pursues resolution, the more the other wants to withdraw. In turn, important problems remain unaddressed while frustration continues to build on both sides.
Eventually, couples stop solving issues altogether until they become trapped in a repetitive pattern.
3. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
In healthy relationships, you may find yourself constantly monitoring what you say, rehearsing conversations before having them or avoiding topics that matter to you simply to keep the peace. Rather than expressing yourself freely, your primary concern becomes preventing conflict or hostility.
This sign can be particularly difficult to recognize because it’s largely internal. To everyone else, the relationship may appear perfectly normal. But living in a constant state of vigilance is exhausting.
4. They use control disguised as love
Coercive control is one of the most insidious red flags in a relationship, yet it’s also one of the most commonly overlooked. Unlike physical aggression, coercive control operates through monitoring, intimidation, isolation, guilt and restrictions on a partner’s autonomy.
What makes these behaviors especially dangerous is that they’re often disguised as concern or devotion. A partner might insist on knowing your whereabouts at all times, demand access to your phone, discourage independence or gradually isolate you from others.
Even worse, they may do so while saying it’s for your own good.
5. Everything is somehow always your fault
Accountability is an essential ingredient in any healthy relationship, and it’s generally absent in unhealthy relationships. Instead, when concerns arise, blame is routinely shifted, and responsibility becomes one-sided. The person raising an issue is framed as the aggressor, while the other partner consistently avoids accountability.
This can become more disorienting with repetition. You may find yourself questioning your own perceptions, doubting your memory of events or accepting blame for problems you didn’t create.
In a healthy relationship, there’s enough room for both partners to make mistakes without fear of blame or scapegoating.
6. Aggression is the norm
A common misconception is that aggression needs to be physical before it’s considered abusive, but that’s not always the case. Aggression can be physical, verbal, emotional or psychological.
Psychological aggression is particularly harmful because it tends to be woven into everyday interactions. It may involve threats, insults, intimidation, yelling, destroying belongings or deliberate attempts to hurt a partner emotionally.
When this kind of hostility becomes the default mode of communication, the relationship becomes a serious source of distress. If this dynamic is present in your relationship, it’s important to seek support from trusted loved ones or a qualified professional.
7. You’ve lost your sense of self
One of the most telling signs of an unhealthy relationship is the gradual loss of self. At this point, the relationship begins to consume your identity. You sacrifice hobbies, interests, goals, values and personal growth in order to maintain the relationship or avoid conflict.
By extension, partners find themselves drifting away from their friends and family, feeling guilty for spending time alone or becoming increasingly dependent on their other for emotional fulfillment.
Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. But if several of these patterns are persistent or escalating, it’s worth paying attention — and, if you’re unsure, discussing them with a mental health professional.
Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.
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