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“Am I good enough?” This question haunts many of us. But who are we trying to prove ourselves to, exactly? Is it society? Our parents? A potential spouse?
I’m a psychologist, speaker and author who’s spent years researching self-worth. One of the central ideas in my new book, “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” is that to truly feel worthy, we have to stop trying to measure up to some external standard. In fact, feeling worthy requires us to stop measuring ourselves at all.
The people who feel the most self-worth and security aren’t trying to prove anything. They’re simply focused on being who they are. Authenticity is tied to well-being, according to a meta-analysis of dozens of studies. In fact, researchers describe authenticity as the very essence of well-being.
So if you want to feel worthy, secure and happy, stop asking yourself “How can I be enough?” And instead try “How can I be myself?”
What the science says about authenticity
Despite the common urge to act inauthentically to belong, we fit in more when we’re authentic.
Socially anxious people in one study were told to avoid using safety behaviors like blabbing to escape an awkward silence or talking fast because they assume the listener isn’t interested. When they dropped these inauthentic behaviors, others reported being more interested in talking to and befriending them. Why? The participants became more present, interested and engaged.
But we shouldn’t only be authentic when we know we’ll be liked for it, or we’ll fall back into the trap of pleasing others first. Sometimes our authenticity may lead others to reject us. Instead of changing ourselves, though, we should tolerate those consequences — as long as we’ll still be physically safe. Researchers think of authenticity as “choosing to exist and taking responsibility for that choice.”
Authenticity helps us feel worthy because it involves treating ourselves as if who we are matters and deserves expression, no matter what anyone else thinks.
How to be yourself and feel worthy
When you’re so used to shapeshifting into someone you think will be likeable, your true self can start to feel inaccessible. And being yourself can begin to seem like a daunting task.
Here are some strategies to get there — so that you can feel more worthy.
1. Thank your fear of rejection
Suppressing your fear of rejection, ironically, often makes it stronger, a phenomenon called ironic process theory in psychology. The more you can welcome and embrace uncomfortable feelings, the less likely they are to control you.
Think of fear as a request for your attention and compassion. Thank it for trying to help you feel a sense of connection and belonging with people who are important to you.
2. Imagine a friend’s point of view
You may see certain qualities as shameful or embarrassing. But the more you can find compassion for the parts of yourself that seem flawed, the more authentic you feel, according to one study.
Try distancing yourself and vividly picturing someone else’s perspective. You might, for example, think of a mistake you made at work. Your instinct might be to see it as proof of your inferiority. Instead, picture your best friend telling you that your mistakes don’t define you, they just make you human.
3. Write down how you’d benefit from rejection
Your anxiety around not being enough can persist because you imagine it to be an intolerable experience. But this anxiety is more likely to recede when you realize that even if some people don’t like you, you’ll be okay.
In fact, you might even benefit. You’d learn to grieve and move forward, rather than being stuck in a state of fear. It could also help you prioritize gaining your own approval rather than that of others.
Write it all down. When you’re just thinking, you might stop at replaying a negative experience rather than moving past it. Writing can help you reach a deeper level of catharsis and meaning-making and improve your mental health.
4. Keep a list of your strengths
You may feel as if you have to prove your worth in every interaction. Writing down a list of your strengths — your humor, intelligence, presence, flair and care — helps you trust that people could like you without you trying so hard to be liked, which as the research found, can backfire.
5. Develop and repeat a mantra
When your brain is preoccupied with others’ approval, you can manually shift your attention back to yourself.
Establish a mantra that reminds you how much you value your authenticity. Make sure you don’t just mindlessly repeat the words. Try to feel a shift internally each time you recite your mantra; it should trigger positive emotions.
You might tell yourself:
- “I want to belong to myself first.”
- “The goal isn’t to get them to like me. The goal is to be myself and accept the consequences.”
- “The most important person to please is myself.”
- “Being myself is always enough.”
Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, speaker, and bestselling author of “Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.” Her second book, “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” will be released on Sept. 15. Her work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York Times, The Telegraph and Vice.
