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These days, when I’m out in public, I like to play a little game.
Whether I’m on the subway, in line for the bathroom at the theater or sitting in a park, I try to count the number of people who are heads down, scrolling through apps on their phones.
It will shock no one that it’s usually quite a few. Forty percent of Americans say they check their phone more often than they’d like to, according to a 2025 YouGov survey of 1,129 U.S. adults.
As someone who loves talking to basically anyone, I’ve often wondered what gets lost in those moments when we’re eyes down on our phones. Research notes a correlation between increased screen time and higher levels of depression and anxiety. Too much screen time can also impact sleep. But there may also be missed opportunities for connection both with people we’ve never met and with those we know intimately.
This isn’t just a problem for a person’s social calendar. Human connection helps us thrive professionally and emotionally. And we need to be able to talk to each other to create that connection. “Socialization, healthy socialization, is a skill,” says Lance Garrison, dean for the College of Professional Psychology at the Chicago School. “And all skills need to be practiced.”
So, when is it the right time to interrupt someone’s scrolling, strangers and close ties alike?
Rules of engagement
When it comes to someone who’s already in your life, like a significant other, try bringing it up before it even happens. Say something like, “I want to enjoy your company,” says Leanna Fortunato, the American Psychological Association’s director of digital health and innovation. “I want to connect with you.” Then come up with ways to spend time together where phones aren’t present.
If you’re out with a friend and they pull out their phone, you can say something in earnest like, “Hey, is everything OK?” says Nir Eyal, author of “Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life.”
99 times out of 100, it’s not a crisis. You’re just snapping them out of the phone zone.Nir EyalAuthor, “Indistractable”
It’s possible they’re responding to an actual disaster or problem in their life, in which case they might need to leave and take care of it. “But, of course,” he says, “99 times out of 100, it’s not a crisis. You’re just snapping them out of the phone zone.”
When it comes to engaging with strangers, there are probably times in which people who are on their phone genuinely want to be left alone. In that case, don’t force yourself on them. But there are instances in which they might signal that they’re open to engaging.
“Eye contact and a smile contain much more information than heads down in a book or a phone,” says Eyal, who adds that he has “a lot of conversations in coffee shops.” He’ll catch someone’s eye next to him, they smile, he smiles and maybe one of them asks the other where they’re from.
If there’s someone you want to talk to at a setting where you regularly see them, like a class, you can also think ahead of what you might want to say, says Fortunato. Ask your friends what might be a good opener, or see if AI has any good ideas.
Some of the best conversations I’ve had are with people who’ve sat next to me on a flight. When I’m deciding whether or not to engage, I try to remember that people are social creatures. We are wired for connection.
“Sometimes it’s easy to say, ‘well, I don’t want to bother this person, or maybe this person doesn’t want to talk to me,’” says Fortunato. “But research suggests that, actually, people are more open to it than we might initially think.”
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