IN FOCUS: Revulsion and remorse – when domestic abusers confront their shame
One mother sought help after hitting her son whenever she lost patience, making him fearful and constantly on edge.
A father looks at a pamphlet and contemplates seeking help for his abusive behaviour. (Illustration: CNA/Clara Ho)
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Warning: This article contains details of domestic abuse that some readers may find upsetting.
SINGAPORE: A week before Chinese New Year in February, Andrew’s wife walked away from their 26-year relationship.
She moved out of the family home, leaving him with their four children. Having been shouted at, with objects thrown around, she reached a breaking point and no longer felt safe living with him.
Andrew, the sole breadwinner, claimed the housework was “not up to standard”, and he would get unhappy when the house was a “little untidy”.
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When their children’s grades fell, he blamed his wife and became angry over how she handled the family’s finances and rental property.
Arguments in the car were worse.
At times, Andrew drove recklessly to frighten his wife, nearly crashing into another vehicle on one occasion.
She initially pleaded with him to stop, but eventually stopped protesting, fearful his anger might escalate.
“She felt like I was trying to kill her in those moments, and she thought she was going to die,” Andrew said.
When his wife left, Andrew was furious and tried to get her to return, but she told him he needed to change.
At a loss, the man sought help from social workers at non-profit organisation Fellowship of Men, where he learnt to recognise his harmful behaviour and better manage his emotions.
He realised how difficult it was to manage the household and that he was not showing his wife the gratitude she deserved.
But no recovery is instant. Six months on, his wife has yet to move back home.
ADMITTING GUILT
With greater awareness of domestic abuse, some family service centres have seen more cases like Andrew’s, where parents and spouses step forward to seek help for their harmful behaviour.
According to the latest domestic violence trends report by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), there were 5,787 new low- to moderate-risk abuse cases in 2024, a 14 per cent increase from 2023.
The rise was primarily driven by an increase in child and spousal abuse cases.
New spousal abuse cases rose from 2,008 in 2023 to 2,136 in 2024, continuing the upward trend from 2021 to 2023.
The MSF report noted that self-referrals made up a significant portion of cases managed by family service centres, where clients sought help on their own.
While some were seeking support primarily related to domestic violence, others initially came with issues such as financial difficulties or parenting challenges, with abuse concerns emerging after the family service centres’ engagement.
In January, a father was sentenced to 15 months’ jail after reporting himself to the police for using excessive force in child discipline.
According to the man’s ex-wife, he would slap and pinch the boys, making them kneel and denying them meals as punishment.
MSF said it does not track the number of reported child abuse or spousal abuse cases involving people who voluntarily sought help for their abusive behaviour.
But frontline professionals in specialist agencies have observed that some individuals recognise the need for help when they experience parenting difficulties, family conflict, trouble managing their emotions, or concerns about the impact of their behaviour on their relationships.
“These individuals may seek support to better understand and address harmful behaviours before they escalate,” added the ministry.
“Through counselling and intervention, they can better understand the impact of their behaviour on family members, recognise unhealthy patterns, and learn safer and healthier ways of responding to stress and conflict.”
For couples, the decision to seek help often comes when their relationship is close to breaking point, said Mr Ben Ang, founder of Fellowship of Men.
“We are hoping to make some shifts in help-seeking behaviour. We do not need to wait until a crisis happens or one is at a breaking point to start reaching out for help,” he added.
Some parents come forward on their own or after community partners such as school counsellors raise concerns and point them towards support, said Mr Teo Boon Leong, deputy director and lead social worker at Viriya Community Services.
Names of parents who are mentioned in this article have been changed to protect their families’ identities.
STRESS, ANGER, OUTBURSTS
Beth’s marriage was strained by longstanding problems and financial stress, with disagreements sometimes escalating into physical fights.
Overwhelmed by frustration, she struggled to regulate her emotions, and her son often bore the brunt of her anger.
She would hit him on the face and head when she lost patience. Her husband also struggled with his anger and would throw objects around the house that would occasionally hit their son.
The boy became fearful and constantly on edge, given his father’s unpredictable outbursts and his parents’ frequent arguments.
His behaviour changed. Beth was told by his school that the boy was acting out and had frequent tantrums that were out of character.
At home, he reacted strongly to sounds that reminded him of his mother’s outbursts. Wracked with guilt, she recognised the impact of her actions on her son.
The woman sought help from Viriya Community Services to learn ways to regulate her emotions and rebuild their relationship.
In her first meeting with a social worker, Beth struggled to speak about what happened at home. After some prompting, she disclosed that she had used harsh physical punishment on her son and acknowledged that she needed help.
RECOGNISING THE DAMAGE
Ms June Fong, principal psychologist at Promises Healthcare, said people typically move through several phases as they work to change their abusive behaviour.
They begin with a period where they may not yet recognise the need to change, before contemplating whether their behaviour is wrong – a stage some may remain at for a long time.
Once they are ready to take action, professionals can help them learn skills to change their behaviour and repair relationships.
This is followed by a maintenance stage, where less intensive support may be needed to help them adapt these strategies should new situations arise.
“In the contemplation phase, there is a lot of denial. But I seldom see outright denial. It’s more of like minimisation and justification for their behaviour,” she explained.
“People tend to move between phases, and these cognitive distortions can come generally in the pre-contemplation phase when they’re still not convinced internally that what they are doing is wrong.”
As they go through these phases, they would go through a range of emotions – from frustration to shame and guilt.
For parents, the turning point may be when they see the harm to their children.
Ms Tee Hui Wen, senior social worker at Viriya Community Services, said many experience something similar to Beth, where they were shaken by how their actions had affected their children.
While some may want help with other stresses in their lives, the conflict between wanting to be a loving parent and struggling to discipline their child appropriately can provide an additional push to come forward, she said.
“(Beth) recognised some moments of parenting her child were quite uncontrolled. That sense of losing control was also one part of what led her to want to come forward and seek help. Losing control is not something that anyone wants to experience,” Ms Tee said.
Others may initially disclose little about what is happening at home, leaving social workers to gradually identify signs of distress and understand the family dynamics.
“We are trained to pick up distress in families, and we are able to identify certain reflexes, certain stressors, usually between the relationships in the family. We may scope, and we may narrow down to certain behaviours or details,” said Ms Lim Sheau Huey, senior social worker at Fei Yue Family Service Centre.
“When they are able to share that there are some physical altercations or excessive corporal punishment, we would find out what really happened, the frequency and impact.”
BUILDING TRUST
In many cases, parents and spouses do not always reveal abusive behaviour when they first seek help. This may only emerge after several sessions, as social workers better understand the family.
Caleb and Denise initially approached social service agency Allkin Singapore because they were concerned about their teenage daughter’s suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviour.
Their relationship with her was strained and they struggled to communicate with her.
After several sessions exploring the family dynamics, the couple disclosed that they had previously caned and slapped their daughter.
They came to recognise the long-term harm caused by those methods of discipline and how their actions had contributed to her becoming withdrawn.
“That was a big turning point for the parents because they also had younger children and they were seeking ways to improve so that they could have a better relationship with them,” said Ms Zakiyah Ibrahim, lead social worker at Allkin Family Service Centre.
Once parents overcome their reluctance or fear of opening up, social workers can better help them address their harmful behaviour, Ms Ibrahim said.
“The family service centre can manage the case if the risk is low to moderate and the parents continue to be willing to work with us,” she added.
“Statutory interventions like protective services will only come in if it is assessed to be high risk.
“We acknowledge that it does take time for you to change your methods of parenting. As long as you are willing to journey with us, we are happy to support, and statutory interventions do not need to come in.”
As part of that process, social workers help families identify the triggers behind their harmful behaviour.
These triggers can include work, parenting and financial pressures, which can accumulate and make it harder for some to respond calmly during conflict.
Marital conflict and violence can spill over into how parents treat their children, as in Beth’s case, while their childhood experiences can shape how they respond to conflict, Mr Teo said.
“So when a child experiences physical abuse or emotional abuse from their parents in the past, they carry that in them in their parenting or in managing their spousal relationship,” he added.
Dr Annabelle Chow, clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology, said another warning sign is when someone’s anger is disproportionate to what has happened.
“Because of all your compounded stresses, you might respond in a very intense way. That’s a warning sign that your behaviour is … not for punishing or not educating, but it’s dysregulation,” she added.
“If you have a lot of insults or threats or like physical force, especially when there’s a power imbalance between the size of a man and a woman, or a parent and a child, that’s also another sign.”
Abuse does not always leave physical marks, and emotional and psychological abuse can also change how safe someone feels at home, Dr Chow added.
“The emotional climate is very intangible, and there’s a lot of power imbalance.
“When a child or a spouse starts to feel like they are walking on eggshells, where they have to constantly read the room and monitor the other person’s mood, or like if they are starting to hide or be extremely avoidant … That actually tells you that this is not a safe climate.”
RESPONDING TO CONFLICT
Once social workers have identified some of the factors driving abusive behaviour, they help parents and spouses respond differently when pressures and conflicts arise.
This often means moving away from physical punishment and learning disciplinary approaches appropriate for their child’s age.
Social workers and psychologists who spoke to CNA said they take a “zero-tolerance” approach towards physical punishment and encourage parents to use alternative strategies.
One important step is recognising that the way a parent disciplines a young child may no longer be appropriate as the child grows up.
“As children enter adolescence, parents need to adapt their parenting and communication strategies to their changing emotional and developmental needs,” said Fei Yue’s Ms Lim.
She recalled one mother who sought help because the ways she had disciplined her teenage son were no longer working. She felt as though she was losing him.
Social workers worked with her on alternative strategies and different ways of speaking to her son – shifting away from simply telling him what to do and towards deeper conversations about life.
Her son noticed the small changes and told the social worker that he was happier.
“We also hope parents can manage certain expectations and recognise what they value more … Do you want the relationship to be better or do you just want to be right at the cost of the relationship?
“From all those sessions that we have with the parents, they are more aware of what they hope and what they want and what they are okay to let go of,” Ms Lim said.
Parents are also encouraged to attend programmes such as Families for Life’s Positive Parenting Programme, which equips parents with techniques to promote the psychological, social and emotional competence of children up to 16 years old.
“A lot of our work is psychoeducation, so the idea of age-appropriate, adequate discipline.
“When does discipline cross the line and go into harsh punishment? And when does harsh punishment actually even cross the line to become abuse?” said Ms Janelle Janaki, senior social worker at Care Corner Family Service Centre.
More broadly, many parents are struggling to handle their children’s device usage. That is a major reason why harsh punishments are used, she added.
Many parents break down during help sessions, feeling immense guilt about the harsh physical punishments they have used.
When it comes to spousal abuse, Fellowship of Men’s Mr Ang said violent behaviour can be complex.
While those who cause harm need to be held accountable, he said they should not be defined solely by the “worst mistake of their life”.
“It’s not as simple as just a punch; there are many underlying stories. One of the key principles we hold on to is to look at the person, separate from the behaviour,” he said.
“Because if we keep looking at the person who caused harm and label them as a perpetrator, they are just going to showcase all those traits.
“But there’s a part of them wanting to be a better husband and father.”
The group runs mentoring and counselling sessions, treatment groups and community events where husbands and fathers can meet others and seek advice.
MSF said that seeking help can be challenging, as stigma, shame and fear of judgment may discourage some people from coming forward.
Providing support to individuals who have caused harm is an important part of preventing further abuse and promoting the safety and well-being of family members, the MSF spokesperson said.
“Support is available not only for victim-survivors, but also for individuals who are concerned that their behaviour may be causing harm.”
Counselling and intervention services help individuals better understand abusive behaviours, recognise triggers, strengthen emotional regulation, develop healthier relationship skills, and reduce the risk of future harm, added MSF.
A NEW BEGINNING
Recovery can play out in many ways. For some, progress can mean fewer outbursts. For others, it may be a parent recognising their emotions before reacting, or a relationship slowly becoming less strained.
Viriya’s Ms Tee said one sign is when parents return to sessions and are able to explain the strategies they have tried, whether they worked and what was practical for the family.
“Being able to describe the progress allows us to then have the space to adjust our targeted interventions with them,” she said.
Another sign is when parents become more reflective about difficult moments, she added.
“When discussing difficult parenting moments, they are more able to identify what took place, what emotion was going on, and being able to name and recognise that the behaviour was not ideal or appropriate,” Ms Tee said.
She said that it is important for social workers to identify successes and use these moments as anchors.
Mr Martin Chok, Care Corner Singapore’s deputy director of family and community services, said success will look different for every family.
“There is actually no one method, or you need to hit a certain grade. What we term as success is when parents could be reporting less stress, or that children have fewer instances of misbehaviour,” he said.
Promises Healthcare’s Ms Fong said progress can also mean parents developing better coping mechanisms and learning to recalibrate when pressures build.
“Many times the pressures of modern life, of survival, of work, can push even the most well-intentioned parents right to the edge.
“There are things that one can do to outsource the duties or the chores, so to release enough bandwidth for yourself to do the inner work, to modify your behaviour, to put in a buffer between trigger and your reaction, and to build a positive relationship with the child. That to me is a worthwhile investment,” she said.
One of the most important skills parents need to develop is emotional regulation, said psychologist Dr Chow.
“You can be IQ smart, but if you are emotionally dysregulated, it will mean that whenever you’re stressed, you might be screaming at people, you might be very difficult to work with, you might be very difficult to live with,” she added.
OLD PATTERNS?
Even after someone has learnt new ways to manage anger, there remains a possibility of slipping back into old patterns.
When this happens, social workers and experts said the focus should be on understanding what led to the relapse – the triggers, the pressure involved.
Dr Chow said in many situations, stress can accumulate. If it goes unmanaged, something seemingly small at home can become the final trigger.
“So then we will default to very primitive, very automatic, familiar patterns that don’t require us to think too much,” she said.
“Evolutionarily, primitively, being aggressive, being loud, throwing things, attacking is survivalistic.”
She added: “Being able to regulate ourselves is a higher-order function. But when we are extremely stressed, these filters start to break down and our higher-order functioning will start to collapse.”
Viriya’s Mr Teo said a relapse should not simply be viewed as failure, but as an opportunity for parents and spouses to understand what happened and continue working on their behaviour in a “non-judgemental space”.
When parents are no longer attending regular sessions at family service centres, having loved ones around them can help provide a continuing layer of support, said Care Corner’s Ms Janaki.
“It’s very important to have because we can’t be following a family throughout their lives, we have other families that we may need to go support.
“So if there is a support system like that going on the ground for them, it will be very helpful to stop these kinds of harsh punishments that progress towards abuse, and we can build a more resilient society.”
MSF said it encourages individuals to seek help early. It also works with social service agencies, healthcare institutions, schools, community organisations and law enforcement agencies to strengthen awareness, improve the early identification of abuse, and connect individuals and families to appropriate support.
The ministry said it will continue to strengthen upstream prevention efforts and encourage individuals experiencing challenges to seek support early, before situations escalate into domestic violence.
ONE LAST CHANCE?
For those trying to repair relationships damaged by abuse, behavioural change is only part of the process.
Fellowship of Men’s Mr Ang said another important shift comes when the abuser recognises that the relationship is not only about what they want, but also about how the other side feels.
“If you can hold empathy, the types of conversation will be very different. You will start to appreciate each other,” he said.
For Andrew, whose wife left earlier this year, that process is still unfolding. Half a year later, he is taking steps to repair their relationship.
The process has not been easy for his wife. During some sessions, she experienced heavy breathing and avoided eye contact as they revisited the trauma.
While there is still some way to go, his wife has been returning home on Saturdays for the last few months to have a meal with the family, cooked by Andrew.
She would sometimes praise his cooking, and at times, tell him a dish is too salty. But her verdict matters less than the fact that she is at the table with him again.
In the past two weeks, they have been meeting on Sundays for what Andrew calls “coffee time” – where they spend time alone.
Conversations can still be difficult. His wife sometimes raises painful issues from their past, while Andrew hopes that, with time, they will be able to talk about what lies ahead.
For now, he just looks forward to seeing her and hopes she will return home one day.
He said: “It feels like we’re dating again.”
Source: CNA/cj(mi)
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