Workplace trauma can follow you even long after you leave the job. How do you recover?
Bullying, humiliation and relentless workplace stress can affect how people see themselves long after the workday – or even the job – ends. Workers and psychologists explain how to recognise when work is seriously affecting you and what recovery can look like.
Workplace trauma can severely affect one’s self-esteem and self-worth. (Photo: iStock/Rudi Suardi)
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When Noah moved to Singapore over a decade ago to work at a multinational tech company, it felt like a dream come true.
The Indonesian middle manager described his first five years at the company as “pleasant” and “eye-opening”. Then came a major organisational reshuffle, a new team and a new manager.
He said his new manager questioned his salary, insinuating it was “too high”, made racist remarks and mocked his religious practices.
In one incident, someone in the team had used his laptop to send an email filled with insults and expletives to the wider department, including his peers and subordinates. It was revealed only later that his manager did it, and Noah, shocked and humiliated, was told that it was a “lesson to always lock his screen”.
He also began experiencing physical symptoms. His left arm froze and became difficult to move, while getting up for work became a daily struggle.
“I was scared to come to work,” he said. “I also felt worthless; I believed all his insults, all his mockery.”
Though it has been years since he left the company, Noah, currently a 45-year-old business owner, said memories of his former manager can still bring on shivers and heart palpitations.
Like him, many of those who spoke to CNA Lifestyle requested to omit their full names because they were concerned sharing their experiences would affect their careers.
Experiences such as his are sometimes described as “workplace trauma”, and clinical psychologist Amrit Kaur emphasised that sustained bullying, humiliation, harassment or chronic stress can overwhelm someone’s normal capacity to cope and leave lasting effects.
“It is thus important to know what these experiences have done to someone’s ability to function at work and beyond – and how they begin recovering from it,” Kaur said.
HOW WORK CAN AFFECT YOU
Kaur said workplace-related distress can be particularly difficult because people are often expected to continue functioning in the very environment causing them harm, making the distress often go untreated or dismissed. This can lead to effects such as disrupted sleep, dread of the work week, going numb in meetings or being unable to bring themselves to answer an email.
Clinical psychologist Mahima Didwania of The Other Clinic added that trauma is subjective, and people can respond very differently to the same experience. Its effects can range from anxiety, depression and panic attacks to declining confidence and physical health.
Psychotherapist Michelle Mah, founder of The Curious Bonsai, said the impact can also show up as brain fog, poor memory, difficulty making decisions, rumination and a growing sense of helplessness.
For Hana, those signals were physical.
In the 31-year-old’s first job in a laboratory, she said a senior colleague would roll her eyes, sigh loudly and sometimes push her aside when she struggled with a task. Hana found her “extremely condescending”, and because she had to interact with her a lot, her colleague’s demeanour made completing tasks difficult.
Eventually, merely seeing the colleague caused her palms to sweat and her heart to palpitate. She struggled to concentrate because she became afraid of making mistakes.
Similarly, Natasha was diagnosed with major depression when the 30-year-old was still working in public relations several years ago,
In that previous workplace, a senior colleague repeatedly berated her, swore at her in work chats and occasionally yelled at her in front of the team. As it took place only two months into her working life, she initially assumed such behaviour was normal.
“It wasn’t just the fact I was yelled at,” Natasha said. “It was the fact that no one in my team stood up for me – I ended up thinking, this is work life, this is what the rest of my life is going to be.”
HOW WORKPLACE MISTREATMENT IMPACTS OUR SENSE OF SELF
For many people, work is not simply where they spend eight hours earning a salary; it’s also where they can assess how competent, successful and valuable they believe themselves to be, Kaur said.
“Especially for those of us who grew up in achievement-oriented cultures like Singapore, being competent at work is one of the few ways we get to feel valuable,” Kaur said. “So when we are repeatedly attacked at work, there’s often no separate, protected sense of self to retreat to. An attack on our professional competence can begin to feel like an attack on our entire selves.”
She said workplace trauma can thus erode self-esteem, especially when professional achievement is closely tied to their identity.
Matthew (not his real name) experienced this in his previous role over five years ago.
He was then a healthcare manager whose supervisor initially came across as warm and personable, sometimes treating him to expensive meals and praising his initiative.
“But in the same breath as her praises, she would insult my colleagues and me in the name of ‘having high standards’ and ‘coaching’,” the 32-year-old said. “I was yelled at for things like a full trash bin and using the wrong words in a meeting.”
He said several colleagues resigned within months, eventually leaving him as the last team member and taking on more of the workload.
Matthew, who took pride in his work, began believing what his manager said about him. During lunch, he would sometimes chain-smoke and cry at a void deck near his workplace before returning to work.
“I felt like I always needed to be on my toes because I’ve no idea when she’d explode again,” he said. “I also felt worthless because I believed her insults.”
THE NEED TO SEEK EXTERNAL HELP
Matthew resigned from the role after slightly more than a year. But while leaving can remove someone from the immediate source of their distress, it does not necessarily make its effects disappear.
Almost five years later, he said his mental health has improved considerably, yet when difficulties arise in his current job, he sometimes gets flashbacks of his time in his previous role.
Similarly, six years after she left her previous role, Hana, who is now in a different department at the same workplace, said that unexpectedly encountering her former colleague can cause her to be breathless and her palms to sweat.
“In such circumstances, people must find a safe space to process their emotions without work-related consequences or fear of judgment,” Didwania said. “This can come in the form of close friends, family members or therapy.”
“Therapy can serve a particular purpose because it provides an external perspective,” she added. “It can also help people rebuild their sense of identity and confidence and work out their values and boundaries – especially if they’re figuring out other professional options.”
For Matthew, seeking professional help “was the best thing I could’ve done back then – and it frankly saved my life”.
HOW TO MANAGE IF YOU NEED TO STAY IN YOUR TOXIC WORKPLACE
“The best possible outcome when you face a lot of stress at work is to leave your job or find a new department – however, that isn’t the reality for everyone,” Didwania said.
While “just leave” may seem like the obvious solution to a damaging workplace, mortgages, children, ageing parents and other financial responsibilities do not disappear because a job has become unbearable, Didwania added.
Natasha, for instance, initially resigned from her first job but retracted her resignation when family circumstances meant she needed to remain employed.
For Zam, a 34-year-old marketing manager, every day presents what he calls a “dilemma in the struggle for the rice bowl”.
He continues to work under a “moody boss” whose behaviour can range from “a mere condescending attitude” to what he described as screaming and bullying towards interns and staff.
“I honestly freeze and witness the abuse in real time,” he said. “Even if I’m not at the receiving end of the abuse, I feel selfish and guilty for not being able to do much because I need the job and the money. I can only listen to the junior staff.”
Kaur said this financial reality is precisely where conventional advice such as taking time off, resting or processing the experience in therapy can fall short. Instead, she recommends addressing the practical and psychological problems simultaneously.
On the practical side, that could mean assessing one’s finances, understanding workplace or medical leave options, or exploring whether responsibilities can temporarily be changed. On the psychological side, it could mean seeking therapy or support from trusted people, establishing boundaries, and finding ways to make the workplace more manageable while one remains there.
For instance, Zam – who said that he cannot afford to regularly go for therapy – and his colleagues have also built their own support system.
“It sounds shallow, but laughing helps. We use humour as a coping mechanism by sharing memes about our predicament, and we always have each other’s backs when our director’s being a tyrant,” he said. “Even those who have understandably left still check in with us from time to time.”
That support does not change the workplace itself, but for Zam, it helps ensure he does not have to experience it alone.
FINDING MEANING IN LIFE BEYOND WORK
“Ultimately, recovery goes beyond finding a better employer – it’s also about how one sees themselves separate from their work,” Kaur said.
“The deeper protection is rebuilding a sense of self-worth that isn’t entirely contingent on your job performance or how any one workplace treats you.”
To Zam, stuck in a stressful work environment, that means making sure his life outside work remains full.
He spends time with his partner and family, pursues his hobbies and reminds himself that his life extends far beyond his workplace and the labels his boss puts on him.
Noah similarly made it a point to focus on his family, spirituality and hobbies as part of his recovery. During the tail-end of his time with his former manager, despite already spending a significant amount of time at work, he started attending events and programmes in his neighbourhood, went out with his wife and children, and made new friends beyond his professional circle.
Those relationships, he said, helped him recognise that people could value him for reasons that had nothing to do with his job.
“The only good thing from my bad experience is how I realised that not everything you do at work amounts to who you are as a person,” Noah said.
“My friends don’t perceive me based on what I can contribute at work. They don’t even ask me what I do, my rank or company, or how much I earn – they just enjoy my company, and that has been incredibly healing.”
Source: CNA/iz
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