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2 dating tips from a relationship coach: ‘Stop optimizing for shiny qualities’
Want a successful relationship? Avoid these dating traps, says relationship coach: ‘You need to see character’
Height, hobbies and education level don’t matter that much for a relationship, says expert: Here’s what does
When it comes to relationships, young Americans are looking for the real thing.
A majority, 83% of women and 74% of men strongly endorse a dating culture focused on forming serious relationships, according to a 2026 survey of 5,275 22-to 35-year-old U.S. adults by the Institute for Family Studies.
A successful relationship may look different to different people, but if you count yourself among the majority of those looking for something lasting, relationship coach Amy Chan has a few dos and don’ts. Chan’s been running breakup and dating bootcamps since 2017 and recently published her book, “Unsingle,” about how to find a long-term relationship.
In lieu of dating apps, she says, try meeting people in person at events geared toward your personal interests like a run club or pottery class. You could end up seeing the same people over and over again and “the more you see someone, the more it will amplify the base feeling,” she says.
Before you go on a date, try watching a video of the northern lights or going for a walk in nature without your phone. These can inspire awe, which can help you enter “a state of more connection,” she says.
Here’s what she recommends avoiding.
‘You need to see character’
First, “stop optimizing for shiny qualities,” says Chan, or the kinds of details you might see on a dating profile.
“The research shows that height, if they like skiing as much as you do, their education level, [these] have almost zero ability to predict if a relationship will be happy or stable,” she says.
Instead, look for an alignment of core values. If you value honesty, for example, look for someone who’s honest. If you value integrity, look for integrity in a partner. These are the qualities that will matter long after that initial lust fades away, she says. They will shape the relationship.
“You need to see character,” she says, “and character takes time to reveal.”
‘If someone crosses your deal breaker, it’s a no’
Similarly, learn to differentiate between a preference and a deal breaker.
“A preference is their footwear,” she says, “if they are a Gemini, if they have the same love language as you.” Again, these are superficial traits.
A deal breaker, on the other hand, “is something that would make a healthy relationship fundamentally impossible,” she says. “For example, you want children, they don’t.” It’s the kind of difference in life choices that means you simply want to lead a different life.
Chan recommends thinking of three deal breakers and writing them down ahead of your dates. That way, even if you’re on a great date “in the chemical cocktail of it all,” she says, you’re not tempted to compromise.
Instead, when you’ve cemented and written those down, “if someone crosses your deal breaker, it’s a no.”
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