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There’s a type of person you might’ve encountered who says they feel great about themselves. They boast about their successes and seem to love hearing the sound of their own voice. But if you pay close attention, you’ll see that their behaviors toward others give them away. They’re angry, hostile and have poor relationships.
As a psychologist, speaker and author who’s spent years researching self-worth, I know that when it comes to spotting secure people, it’s easy to get hoodwinked.
While writing my new book, “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” I learned how we can stop getting tricked by the allure of people with big egos and start to recognize the signs of people who are truly secure.
Because avoiding ego and finding true self-esteem in potential friends, partners, coworkers, bosses and more can help us build relationships where we feel valued and safe. In the long run, interacting with people with true self-esteem also helps us develop more of it in ourselves.
2 red flags of a big ego
We often look for the wrong things. Here are a few warning signs that someone’s ego is bigger than their (self-) esteem.
- They’re the center of attention. Confidence doesn’t mean dominance. People often seek to be the center of attention because deep down, they feel insecure, and they compensate for it by trying to captivate those around them. They see social gatherings as an opportunity to win people over rather than a chance to genuinely connect with them.
- They act like they’re better than you. Insecure people withhold their respect for anyone they think is on the same social tier as them, and they mistreat anyone they think is below them. Seeing human beings in a hierarchy is a sign of insecurity.
5 signs someone is truly secure
It’s a misconception that having the “right” job, body, relationship, car or house makes people feel secure. In fact, one meta-analysis found that job success doesn’t improve self-esteem. Another meta-analysis found that in five of six studies, losing weight did not boost self-esteem.
Someone can be rich, gorgeous and accomplished, and still feel insecure. To spot someone who’s truly secure, look for these signs instead:
1. They’re considerate of others
Secure people see themselves and others as worthy. They’re looking for win-win situations, not trying to win at someone else’s expense. They empathize and consider everyone’s needs.
Maybe they’re going through a busy season and can’t show up for a friend’s birthday party, for example. Even though they have a good reason to miss the event, they would still acknowledge their friend’s hurt, and perhaps send a gift to show they care.
2. They’re emotionally regulated
Because secure people are more mentally healthy, they’re less likely to get overwhelmed by their emotions and to lash out or withdraw. Generally, they experience a more positive mood, and their groundedness helps them make other people feel safe.
3. They express themselves authentically
Secure people ask themselves “How do I express who I am?” more than “Am I good enough for others?” They realize not everyone will like them and know that’s okay. Instead of changing to please people, they prioritize their own approval.
Since they don’t seek to conform to the latest trends, they often have a unique style and taste. They’ll wear the seashell necklace, pull on their suspenders or drive a cherry-red car if that’s what feels authentic and right to them.
4. They admit when they’re wrong
Secure people can make a mistake without feeling like they are one. Without attaching so much shame to their flaws, secure people can acknowledge their shortcomings and take accountability for the ways they affect others.
The more authentic and secure people are, the less defensive they become. They don’t try to avoid their own discomfort by blaming the situation on someone else or minimizing the impact.
5. They acknowledge when they feel insecure
People feel secure because they acknowledge and embrace all the emotions they experience, without attaching shame to any of them. They have high regard for themselves even when they feel anxious, angry or vulnerable.
They know that feeling strong doesn’t make them superior, and feeling weak doesn’t make them inferior. Feelings are simply experiences to be had, rather than invitations for self-condemnation.
Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, speaker, and bestselling author of “Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.” Her second book, “Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment,” was released on Sept. 15. Her work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York Times, The Telegraph and Vice.
